well good morning.... a sneak peak at our bedroom... finally finding and purging everything... trying to make a penthouse (top floor of apartment - our julia moment)a little like home. raining again today! :( i think after the whole apartment thing after the fire made me thankful for my home. so knowing im right back in one is well sad. i know i should be blessed that i have a roof over my head and cool when its hot and warm when its cold... but i miss my house (more to come on that later) after moving in to apartment i was not working so most of my time was getting tucker to school and activities... and working on the house. we tried to do as much of the work ourselves. it was very apprent that we would not have enough money to get everything done... so it was time to get the BIG stuff done and save for the little things. rebuilding a home in the winter monthes NOT FUN - we had one heater for the whole house (furnace damaged in fire) so it was lots of layers and very cold. it was a this time when everything started to fall apart... i learned of lies, addiction, more lies and deciet. we move to november still working on the house... very slow process! i also found a lump in my breast and kept it to myself. (more on that later) one day while at the apartment i got the phone call - i had been praying for one of my brothers (who are both married) to get pregnant. well the first was my baby brother jerod and his wife denae they were having twin boys. SO EXCITED! due in march. well the phone call was letting us know denae had gone in to labor and was having the boys early. how quick can you drop everything and get from fort smith to topeka kansas - me FAST. by time we got there the boys had arrived. merrick ryan and teagan matthew so precious and very little. we could not hold them or even touch them. we just told them we loved them and prayed over them. this was the first time in my life i was truely angry at God. denae had done everything right took care of herself, ate right, went to doctors appointments. WHY?? i dont think i have ever prayed to hard and cried so much. i loved them and they needed to know, i needed to hold them, buy them hotwheels, take them out to get muddy and take them home... please God let them gain weight and stay with us. seeing my brother with his first children was priceless. my heart ached for both of them jerod and denae tried to stay so strong. well God had other plans over the 24 hours God would call one of those precious boys home to be with Him... i was blessed to hold him and kiss him and tell him that i was his aunt and that i loved him so much. denae and jerod gave me the biggest honor i got to do their first family photo with their son. God soon called our other little boy to be with Him... again a mad dash to Topeka in the middle of the night. how does this happen... this is truely my first heartbreak of my life. i do have two precious angels and i talk to them and tell them i love them everyday! frist fall apart moment - i miss them little boys i wonder what they would love baseball, basketball, football, hunting, fishing.... they would be in school by now... my heart still breaks today. i know i will see them again in heaven... that brings me peace for now. well i made it back for day two of the healing... wondering if this will make me feel better to get it all out! see you tomorrow... xoxo le anne

today my chair will sit in the rain... alone! i love these chairs they were a gift from my father in law, while i was going through cancer. he wanted me to be able to sit outside in the sun and fresh air. they need to have some tlc done to them - resand and clear seal again. i sit in them while enjoying my morning coffee and or doing my bible study. im in the process of figuring out me! over the last 6 years i have lost me.... my fun personality, my ability to trust, laugh, and find the good in my life. i debate if i should air my VERY dirty laundry here or in a journal... but then again... not alot of people read this so why not here... wont have to write it twice... RIGHT!?! so i need to get this all out... cheap therapy! if you have read my blog back when i was good at keeping it up you will know that my struggles started in september of 2007 (i will later learn that they started before that, but wont find out till later) september 4, 2007 after saving for a very long time i was about to enjoy a very well deserved girls weekend with april derrick at creative escape (a scrapbooking convention put on by heidi swapp)after driving to little rock to catch our flight early the next morning - we set out to enjoy a great dinner at one of our favorite places pf chanfs = lots of great food and apple tinis. then the phone call came... eric my husband called and told me that someone had called him (he was at cheer practice with our daughter tucker) and said our house was on fire. he told me he was on the way to the house and would keep me updated after he got there. while eric, our insurance agent, and fire department and news crews were at our home trying to save what they could i was four hours away and trying to enjoy myself. after dinner and arriving at our hotel and speaking with eric and dear friend melaine (she worked for our insurance agent) i just knew i could not go on the trip, i must go home. while the decision was tough (i knew april would meet up with our friends that were going to the convention too) eric told me go - there will be nothing you can do for days. i needed to go home. so the next morning with lots of huggs and tears and im sorry... i dropped april off at the airport and began the four hour drive home. an hour in to my drive eric called (i think hoping i would not answer - thinking i had got on the plane) i told him i didnt feel i could go and leave him with everything that was going to happen. he made me promise not to go into the house till he or someone was there to go in with me. how can one person prepare themselves for what i was about to see... simple you cant! memories, family heirlooms, clothes, bedding, everything gone. after the salvage process we were able to save 30% of our personal stuff. where do we go... well for a couple days a hotel then on to an apartment. this is the beginning of healing... i will be back tomorrow for more. love le anne