well good morning.... a sneak peak at our bedroom... finally finding and purging everything... trying to make a penthouse (top floor of apartment - our julia moment)a little like home. raining again today! :( i think after the whole apartment thing after the fire made me thankful for my home. so knowing im right back in one is well sad. i know i should be blessed that i have a roof over my head and cool when its hot and warm when its cold... but i miss my house (more to come on that later) after moving in to apartment i was not working so most of my time was getting tucker to school and activities... and working on the house. we tried to do as much of the work ourselves. it was very apprent that we would not have enough money to get everything done... so it was time to get the BIG stuff done and save for the little things. rebuilding a home in the winter monthes NOT FUN - we had one heater for the whole house (furnace damaged in fire) so it was lots of layers and very cold. it was a this time when everything started to fall apart... i learned of lies, addiction, more lies and deciet. we move to november still working on the house... very slow process! i also found a lump in my breast and kept it to myself. (more on that later) one day while at the apartment i got the phone call - i had been praying for one of my brothers (who are both married) to get pregnant. well the first was my baby brother jerod and his wife denae they were having twin boys. SO EXCITED! due in march. well the phone call was letting us know denae had gone in to labor and was having the boys early. how quick can you drop everything and get from fort smith to topeka kansas - me FAST. by time we got there the boys had arrived. merrick ryan and teagan matthew so precious and very little. we could not hold them or even touch them. we just told them we loved them and prayed over them. this was the first time in my life i was truely angry at God. denae had done everything right took care of herself, ate right, went to doctors appointments. WHY?? i dont think i have ever prayed to hard and cried so much. i loved them and they needed to know, i needed to hold them, buy them hotwheels, take them out to get muddy and take them home... please God let them gain weight and stay with us. seeing my brother with his first children was priceless. my heart ached for both of them jerod and denae tried to stay so strong. well God had other plans over the 24 hours God would call one of those precious boys home to be with Him... i was blessed to hold him and kiss him and tell him that i was his aunt and that i loved him so much. denae and jerod gave me the biggest honor i got to do their first family photo with their son. God soon called our other little boy to be with Him... again a mad dash to Topeka in the middle of the night. how does this happen... this is truely my first heartbreak of my life. i do have two precious angels and i talk to them and tell them i love them everyday! frist fall apart moment - i miss them little boys i wonder what they would love baseball, basketball, football, hunting, fishing.... they would be in school by now... my heart still breaks today. i know i will see them again in heaven... that brings me peace for now. well i made it back for day two of the healing... wondering if this will make me feel better to get it all out! see you tomorrow... xoxo le anne