Thursday, January 05, 2006

good morning bloggers....
today i come bearing my soul, if you think you might laugh, think funny of me, or just plain think i'm wierd, please don't read beyond this sentence. i know they only folks who read this are dear friends of family so here we go. went to church last night and i know that God told me to be there, "you are going to hear something you need to know" the sevice was directed at the "community" the community of praying believers. I know that i need to pray more than what i do, and saying have have no time is not an excuse for not spending time with God. well mid way through the service we do prayer (about 150 people up front of church shoulder to shoulder) sounds weird and oh so close but on the other hand, i had a feeling of warmth and compassion. pastor gives many things that the holy spirit is speaking to him about to pray for. we one of the was for feeling overwhelmed, depresssed. i felt my heart race, for the reason you may not know. over the last month or more, i have had such a feeling of sadness, depression, overwhelmed, and wondering why. well you may say "girl everyone goes through that, well what i have not told you is that i truely feel i have an anger problem, over what you ask EVERYTHING! my marriage, my job, my children, my parents, ok EVERYTHING! i know some days i want to much, so with this year i have tryed to set some REALISTIC goals for my self. i know alot of this stems from just a few main issues a couple i have no control over a few i do, and have never changed. i want so much to be just me, not hide behind mask and pretend! i need to before i make any changes, change how i feel about myself... just work with me i'm fat, don't care what i look like half the time, just low self esteem. i'm working on it, i have been eating right for about a week now and i start working out every monday - wednesday - friday with a personal trainer. i believe this is the only way i can become dedicated to doing the whole working out thing. pay for the service, don't show up they keep your money, and there is no make up class! i call that motivation. i will see. please don't pity or feel sorry for me i'm the one who has choosen to live this way. but i do ask that you pray for me. when i worked up the courage to raise my hand for that subject and to be prayed for i felt like a huge weight has been lifted from my sholders, like admiting i have something wrong with me is ok. well many tears later, and the drive home i was glad that i took my problem to God and know that it is in His hands, and i must have faith.
huggs

5 comments:

stephfreeman said...

I am soooo there with you. I have NEVER had these problems before recently. Not the fat thing - had that problem for about 9 years now - but the depression. I think I finally came to the realization that it is impossible to be ALL of the things I wanna be and it is disheartening and depressing. I am learning to accept me for me and work on changing what I don't like but not to expect it to come all at once. If you need me - CALL. I will be there just like I know you would be for me!

Heather said...

Girl! I'm so there with you! I know the feeling of depression and being overwhelmed with self actualization. I'll add you to my prayers! You can so overcome this!

Courtney said...

I love ya Lee. I am with ya on so many levels, I'm proud of you for having the strength to admit it and let your feelings out in the open. You are in my thoughts. I love ya.

Julie said...

You are such a beautiful person LeAnne. Especially when you are open and honest. I'm thinking of you and hope that you know I'm here for you ALWAYS no matter what! You go on with yourself and that personal trainer girl...you go!!! Woohoo!!! And you are so right. God is the person to take our troubles to. He knows us better than anyone. He will take care of us.

lilscrappymom said...

it always feels wonderful when we "let go" and give our burden to the one who can carry the world on His shoulders... when it is too much to bear, He takes up the load... it is a relief and a wonderful feeling to let go... you sweet friend are in my prayers today and everyday for peace, priority making and giving up control and letting God direct your paths...

(((hugs))
mel

 
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